Why
by 39.Falling.Grace
Summary: He was never able to feel the sting of betrayal but neither did he feel the comforts of love. Did he even know what love was? Why? An aching question begging, dieing, for an answer to satisfy his empty, empty heart. [Sanzo x Goku][dark]
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki._

_Warning: Angst_

_Pairing: Sanzo x Goku_

**Why**

_**Chapter One: Questions Unanswered**_

The cloud fogged sky spread through the horizon as the winter sun disappeared, making room for the infested night and its crescent moon. Blunt raises of white shred through his prison bars of stone and torment, his eyes stared a blank and hollow, hollow stare; looking out into the infinite black sky which was dimly lit by the twinkle of starts and that moon in which he loathed. The sprinkle of ice white was made invisible due to the darkness of the night but that didn't make the blanked of snow disappeared. It only took away the pain of the sight of that pretty, pretty white but the sound of the deafening silence, the smell of the frigid air, the taste of bitterness and the feel of the burning cold was still painfully present.

Goku sat, hugging his shines and pulling his legs deep into his rattling chest. In this prison he could still see, hear, smell, taste and feel but the luxury of sleep was never blesses upon his eyes, the call of another was never dubbed into his ears, the essence of life was never breathed by his nose, he never had hunger to call for the taste of food and never felt the touch or warmth of another's skin. In this prison he was made to watch the world pass by, change and move on with out him. It was as if the world had gotten onto the train of time and left him behind; never coming back for him.

He was never able to feel the sting of betrayal but neither did he feel the comforts of love. Did he even know what love was?

_Why?_

An aching question begging, dieing, for an answer to satisfy his empty, empty heart.

* * *

"_Sanzo…"_

"…"

"_Sanzo"_

"…"

"_San---_

"_What?!"_

"_If… I asked you to do something, would you…never mind"_

"_If you're going to say something then say it. If not, don't talk at all" _

"_Errm…would you… would you do something for me?"_

"_Do what monkey?"_

"_First, promise me that you'll do it and then I'll ask you"_

"_What is __**it**__?"_

"_You have to promise first"_

"_No"_

"_But Sanzo"_

"_No means no! Do you not understand human language?"_

"_Please Sanzo"_

"_Didn't you hear me?"_

"_Sanzo, it's important"_

"_I said---_

"_Sanzo, please, it really is important"_

"…_."_

"…_."_

"_If it's anything to do with food, I'll kill you"_

"_No, nothing to do with food. So do you?"_

"_Like I could ever win over your powers of annoyance"_

"…"

"_So… what is it?"_

"_Hn… I can't tell you cause it's a secret" _

* * *

Sanzo's heart was drumming beats of fear into his ears and his breath became labored, as his feet crushed the dull leaf littered floors of the ominous forest. The trees became a blur of green and brown as his feet slapped the ground, running as fast as they could. He was trying as much as possible to stay up right and dodge the rooted hands of trees trying to send him into a fall; a fall which could make the difference between him and his predator only mere centimeters. He was running a marathon for the escape of death.

_Fuck, I can't believe this… I'm running away… from __**him **__of all people. _

Then he stopped, his feet standing still and his body motionless; he was running away. His teeth started to grit out of frustration.

_I'm not afraid, am I?_

The roof of dangling leaves that weaved above him cracked in a messy fit of green; twigs falling, then cracking as Goku, no, Sieten Taisei crushed them in his fall. Standing up, the sage eyed him with diligence and murder. The beast wanted to kill him in a one man massacre of haste and of grace. Sanzo found his fears -which until now, would only come true in nightmares- bolt up inside him, consuming him. He _was _afraid but…

_Of him? Ch, give me a break… like I could ever be afraid of something so feeble_

It was not Sieten Taisei that made him want to drop into unconsciousness, run into oblivion and just say "_no_" to everything that was real. It wasn't him that made Sanzo force every breath and every heart beat. It wasn't what he was afraid of; it was what he was afraid of _doing. _

He held onto his Smith and Weston, tighter than need be.

_Fuck, bringing him back isn't an option anymore._

Violet crossed gold. Sieten Taisei was still assessing his prey. Teasing him with the time he was taking. The beast stood there in Goku's body. The diadem was still in place, making his movements lag but it was still there; the intense insanity, the sickening smirk and that malicious aura, it was still there. The sage's grin grew to his eyes and his claws gathered.

And on instinct, Sanzo had his gun in the perfect aim. All that was left was the pulling of the trigger. His heart was frantic, beating, thumping in his ears, mind and chest like a waiting bomb. He set it of as the trigger was triggered and then all was swallowed by the emphasizing and tormenting silence; leaving only the _bang_ and the ghost of its echo.

_I just---_

Seiten Taisei felt the thundering explosion of his chest and fracturing crack of his ribs as cold silver pierced into his flesh; blood rained, crimson spilt. His airless gasp was thrown back up as blood was chocked out of his once smug mouth. A light earthquake of leaves was brought up as knees hit the red stained ground. His fangs grit in burning pain.

Violet pupils grew small in a sea of white and tears. Water rimmed his bottom eye lid but he would not blink in apprehension that if he did, when he opened, to see again, his nightmare, his actions, his fear would still be there, would still be _real. _

_No…_

His hands grew weak and his body started to tremble in constant shakes of horror; the Smith and Weston was pillowed by dust as it hit the ground.

_Goku_

* * *

_**A/N: **__hope you all like! I'll continue soon but on a note; this is a very short fic and it is quiet dark. This will go on to be two maybe three chapters; depending._

_Reviews would be great! Thank you for reading 3_


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki._

_Warning: Angst, a lot of angst _

_Pairing: Sanzo x Goku_

**Why**

_**Chapter Two: Sad Realizations**_

"I can't believe this! We _finally _complete that ass sucking mission and the monkey _still _goes berserk" complained Gojyo, annoyance held within his voice

Hakkai gave a moment to think; worry was starting to latch its ugly uneasy fingers onto him. They had split up not too long ago, not out of their own choice, though. Seiten Taisei had made his appearance on surprise and random timing; warning unuttered. The experience could have been made easier but, with Goku's power limiter still in place, they were all at a loss at how to give Goku back his sanity. The demon's movements may have been held slower but not slow enough. Then out of jumbled thoughts, mixed with mild panic, something clicked into sense.

"Hn. It's almost as if the minus wave had only gotten stronger after our defeat of Gyumaoh"

The air of a frustrated sigh left Gojyo's lips as he pushed his palms down onto his face. "Fuck, I'm guessing that means we better find the monk and his pet, fast"

The healer smiled, just about to say something until an echo of the bang of a gun branched out into the crisp noon air. In pathetic fallacy the air moved in a swift wind, catching onto Gojyo and Hakkai's shocked, frozen forms.

"You don't think…" Gojyo started, whisper hashed by brewing fright. The air stilled, smoothing out the boom but not their edged nerves.

"So, he went through with it" said Hakkai, more to himself than to Gojyo, his tone laced up in sympathetic pity.

"I can't believe him! That bustard! Come on" the half breed's steps turned into a run for time through the unmade path of latching green. Not needing to be told twice, Hakkai followed; worry edged into his features.

"Let's just hope he missed"

"Tell me Gojyo, what if he didn't?"

"Then let's hope Blondie isn't stupid enough to shoot himself"

"And if he is?" the serious atmosphere became almost tangible in Hakkai's wait for a response through the cracking and crunching of leaves and twigs under their feets.

It was a while before Gojyo had simply answered "Hope had better not be a bitch and let us get there too fucking late"

The healer's mouth was hooked into a smirk and tension's grip on his muscles loosened; simplicity clearing the effects of growing panic. "And here I thought you didn't believe in such a thing"

"Shut up" was all the half breed had to say.

Their running persisted even as the weather abnormally shifted. If felt as if the skies and the winds had bowed down to something other than nature's force.

* * *

The bang that rippled out from the bullet died down long ago but the results of what he had done was still fresh, like the blood seeping from Goku's heart; draining the lifeless warmth from the boy's body. Weakness knocked its self into Sanzo's trembling body and he found himself hitting a blood bathed floor. He could do nothing but crawl to Goku's limp form.

The monk's surroundings started to waver as his mind caved into his rejection for reality, for truth. The feeling was so familiar, so hunting after his master's death but the actuality was so much more hollowly painful than the mere memory.

But, then, he felt what had seemed like divine power pass through him in violent waves of force; force that belonged to…

_Shit. This chi._

Brutal fits of bloody coughs were heard and a silver bullet came down in gushing crimson vomit; staining Sanzo's robs and the forest's ground. Demonic ears grew blunt and nails became rounded as eyes became Goku.

"Sanzo…" a forced whisper seethed through scarlet drenched teeth and lips. Goku's body then went into a seizure like tremble, making a splashing collision of red, as he withered in the ground in a struggle of dominance for his own body. Fingers racked into his chocolate locks, whilst his palms clamped down onto his temple and his lidded eyes crushing tightly together in hammering pain.

The blonde could only stare as reality had started to seep in again. The only coherent thought that ran through Sanzo's s frantic mind was his lover's name, again, again and again.

_Goku_

The boy's seizure like state then left him to bath in his own blood. His now healed chest raised and fell in labored breaths. The nightmare passed to find Sanzo holding the boy's tired body. The monk embraced him in all that he had, holding him in comfort; whether it was for Goku or himself, he did not know.

The monkey only had a few words left before he had finally passed out. "Sanzo, you can… stop calling now…I'm back"

_I was what?_

It was only after Goku fell out of conscious reality and into the grip of deep sleep, had Sanzo let go of pride and allowed him self to hold the boy tighter. Goku's nape was filled with Sanzo's blond hair as the monk's face pressed into his chest in utter, utter relief. The boy was safe and _alive_; until the call of next time.

_Next time had better not come anytime soon. _

It was only after he let relaxation come in, did the bolt of reality come, piercing his mind; setting of a storm of questions. What had he just done? Who had he just _tried _to kill? Whose blood was about stain his hand, marking them, _scarring _them?

"_I'd kill you. I would" _

How could such an _empty _promise, said out of the stubbornness of pride and ignorance of the moment, how could such a _sin _be completed so effortlessly? That metallic trigger; the simplicity of pulling it, of letting a bullet go, of _killing, _was threateningly horrifying because knowing this, knowing that…

_I can lose him so __**easily**__…_

…made him feel so small, so _worthless. _His head of infinite blond strands lightly swung in hopelessness; crying a silent, dry cry.

The two stayed in that position, of embracement, until Gojyo and Hakkai had found sight of them, dimly lit by the dieing day in the setting sun. The blood that lashed onto Goku's shirt, skin and face sent alarms striking sirens.

"Goku!" an involuntary shout of concern peeped from Gojyo's mouth.

"He's not dead" monotonic whisper filled to the brim with exhaustion. Sanzo was tired, tired of unwanted responsibilities, unavoidable actions and futile resilience, so tired of this perpetual struggle known as life.

"But---" Hakkai started

"Nor is he hurt" Sanzo decided to bite the healer's words short, scooping Goku up in a carry, before questions could arise. Even the most simplest of glances weren't spared for the other two as he walked of with his bundled up charge. "Come on, I want to get to an inn and you said that the next town isn't that far from here"

The monk's foot steps wearily but stubbornly passed Gojyo and Hakkai, with out explanation for events that have come to past. These two companions, allies and, dare it be mentioned, friends, are forced to be nothing more than onlookers, viewers who understand but can never intervene and witnesses who can see the play of death on Sanzo's soul but remain so absolutely helpless to help.

That unspoken law that they all followed -kill or be killed- had applied to every life they had taken and every corpse they had left in their trails. That rule in which they used to mask the blood on their hands, cleanse their conscience and justify their sins, had become a double edged sword of reality; kill Goku or let him kill them.

It seemed so welcoming to fall into the embrace of cowardice and let the murder intending claws of their friend, their brother to dig into their flesh, allowing him to rip them into a scatter of limbs and red; crush their bone into jagged sticks and take their breath from their lungs, putting them into forever's sleep. It was just so welcoming to do _nothing_.

But the guilt will weigh its unpleasant presence onto Goku's shoulders and stare at the lad with accusation and eternal blame, drilling holes into his tormented soul and he will _cry_ to no satisfactory. That guilt, that monstrous guilt, was reason enough to end the boys life when sanity slips his grasp, when the past and future had forgotten importance, when friends, foe and _life_ becomes a mere object of amusement, when killing, murder, becomes enjoyable and loved; when that happens it was reason enough to kill Goku because he was already dead, nothing more than a fickle memory, swallowed by the insanity that was Seiten Taisei.

Still, comforts could not be found in the haze of knowing this, for what comfort is there in taking the life of one of your own?

The only found and haunting answer was none; none what so ever.

As Sanzo carried Goku's limp form back to their awaiting vehicle with two pair of eyes at his heals, a glint of blood stained silver caught at Hakkai's good eye. His features hardened in exception of his softened eyes as he picked up the bullet; pieces were found and a puzzle was solved. Put together confrontation of a horrid realization made the grip he had on the now cold metal tighten

"Do you know what this means?" almost a hidden whisper in the blowing and rustling of leaves.

"Bullets don't work no more?" Gojyo teased, trying to make light of the moment

No such luck. "No, it means, now more than ever, Sanzo is the _only _person that can kill him" The healer's back had mould into a hunch, feeling now too worthless.

The distinct feel of a snap wiped across Gojyo's mind. What? Why?! Why must such a burden, such a heavy, heart wrenching burden, be placed on the back of just _one_? Why was he was rendered useless, made to look bad, once more? "Come again?"

"Think about it, Gojyo" Hakkai's voice was laced with the sound of his own futility "I'm certain Goku's diadem was still in place when we last left him with Sanzo and I'm certain that it didn't leave his head when we were gone. If he had survived after a direct hit from a banishing gun, with his limiter still on, then what can stop him after his limiter no longer has any effect on him?"

The click together of sense pierced through the red head's aroused anger. "The Meiten scripture…" So that was why. The person that he was, is and will be, all intentions aside, was just too weak, too powerless.

"Sanzo's burdens had just become much, much heavier"

Now, in the ending truth, they couldn't help either Sanzo or Goku. Oh, the guilt that weighed on all their souls, how it had hurt.

* * *

_**A/N:**__ Hmm…this little fic just might go on a little longer than I thought. I know that this chapter was very uneventful but please stay with me. I just had to get this (whatever this is) out of the way before I go for the full Sanzo x Goku romance thing._

_Although I would like all of you to note; this will NOT be a happy ending._

_Thank you for reading, please review on your way out. _


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